A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You Might Also Like
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I created you as mosquito food.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets