if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
multitasking lunch
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
August 8
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad