Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
How times have changed.