I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.