I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
welcome back
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Getting married soon just need a spouse