If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.