Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You Might Also Like
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You have been warned.