It be like that sometimes 😆
You Might Also Like
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”