Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
They also CAN sing✌️
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.