can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
cats when you pet them too long:
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin