*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*