Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
this post was so formative to me
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?