The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.