You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.