It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen