DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.