I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
How dude HOW?!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.