When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman