Awwwww shit.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The USS B port
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing