You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.