her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*