Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
You Might Also Like
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.