[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Good news
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.