Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-