I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You Might Also Like
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!