SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You Might Also Like
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up