I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Customer is always right
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Important
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
peeping toms
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.