When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
You Might Also Like
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Boating season is upon us.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.