8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.