I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Um … Hot Wings please
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Did…did a minotaur write this
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Raisins are grape jerky.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button