My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.