I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.