My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]