Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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my dog when i have a friend over
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that