14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast