You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me irl
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted