[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel