Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself