The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good