Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no