Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I like donuts.
Twitter:
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.