The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer