Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.