Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Yeah. This was me today.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
finally found a reasonable question
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
No chill.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day