*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I occasionally drink every single night.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Lol.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.