GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.