You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Ok, but like, how married are you?