*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX