[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?