50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You Might Also Like
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Oh. My. God.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.